"This is Ron Popeil, reminding you that with the new Ronco Archimides' Dildo, you can just screw it, and forget it. —the rev  |
| "You see, you put the lime in the coconut and then you drink all together." —anon |
| "Building mysterious towers shrouded in fog with staircases spiraling on the outside can be a daunting task for any do-it-yourself-er..." —Angryoptimist |
| So, to get the "mangled fingers' effect you can see on my right hand, first find a worm gear just like this one... —SlipNot |
| HGTV presents Wagner's The Rinse Cycle. —anon |
| HGTV's attempt to capitalize on Bill Nye's popularity with "Steve Frimm, Appliance Guy" was quickly cancelled after focus groups unanimously agreed that he was "just plain scary". —jaeger5432 |
| Whatever it is he's telling kids to put in the washing machine, I bet it'll end in a lawsuit. —Mage Ted |
| "All you need is tinfoil, string, and a copy of Catcher in the Rye and that washing machine will never read your mind again" - Actual dialouge from HGTV's Decorating for the Crazy Motherfucker. —UNder an Assumed Name |
| Man...I don't understand these avant-garde comic books at all. —Jack of None |
| The Timothy Leary Channel was a surprise hit with the over-sixty demographic. —Nyder |
| Suffice to say, "He's Gay TV" didn't do very well in the ratings wars. —dALY |
| Let's hear it for Canadian Public Television! —k.a |
| While his do-it-yourself program was immensely popular, Mr Chesterton still found himself disconcerted when answering call-in questions from washing machines. —haem |
| Looks like the Maytag isn't the only thing in this shot with an unbalanced load. —rudy |
| "Are you lookin' at my gizmo? I once killed a man and planted some fresh basil in his skull for lookin' at my gizmo." —antihero |
| Look, all I'm saying is that he's talking good deal, but all I can hear is us getting taken to the cleaners. —squiddy |
| From the makers of the inclined plane comes The Screw. —Avery |
| Here we have an exclusive picture of IBM's prototype laptop pointing-device. —Bil's Left Nut |
| Does this make you as horney as it makes me? —Bil's Left Nut |
| Despite trying to look like Steve Martin, Leo just couldn't inject humour into the history of the corkscrew. —cface2003 |
| "After about half an hour, the victim should be in immense pain, with few exterior markings to show for it. That's the beauty of these thumbscrews". —cface2003 |
| A1-AAA's Secretary of Homeland Gravidity explains how "green zone" captions involving "spinn" necessitate a "level orange" comedy alert. —jupitre (no sense whatsoever) |
| Jeff Bennington was eventually arrested for taking excessive and vulgar liberties with his sign-language interpretations. —Torc. |
| "And why is the agitator broken?! Because you were a bad person in your former life, and you need to make more payments to the Church to make up for it!" DIY for Scientolotists, HGTV, 8 PM. —Nyder (salv. rudy) |
| Jack Chick explains the connection between Maytag, the Catholic Church, the Freemasons and Satan worship. —Nyder |
| "...and for the next minute, you can get this for only $8.99! Call now, don't bother asking what it does, because you don't have time!" —Zach the Conqueror (salvaging Destiny) |
| "What? Billy's in the well?!" —anon |
| "Now comes the part of the show where I do whatever I want to, Seeing as no one is watching this anyway. First I'm going to have a sandwich, then I'm going to throw water ballons at children getting on a bus..." —anon |
| "Now, if you don't have a blender..." —anon |
| "Whatever you do, don't let the gears catch your washing machine in their tractor beams..." —anon |
| Leonard, the host of The Abstract Handyman —anon |
| "You see, the washing machine companies put multi-dimensional rifts in their products by agreement with various sock-producing companies so that you'll socks and need to by more. There are thousands more conspiracies like this! Don't believe what they tell you!" —anon |
| "Why just sniff the cocaine when you could send it lovingly spiralling off the mirror...?" —Destiny |
| But it was just too creepy, and soon PBS had given up on Mister Walken's Neighborhood. —Destiny |
| Horny Geriatric Television makes its debut as Old Man McClellan explains to his lady fans how the vibrations of the spin cycle can really get them off. —Craig |
| ...and that's how I knew that Mrs. Wizard wanted a divorce. —Gorilla Librarian |
| As you watch the spindle of the washer rotate, you may begin to hear voices. I know I do, and boy the three-part harmony is great! —Entogal |
| Next time instead of asking "Everybody" to do the twist, Chubby Checker is going to specifically exclude this guy. —m'quirk |
| "What was that? Oh you wacky orange gear! You say the craziest things!" —Dan |
| Then you place the whirlygig in your thingamabob and wha--hoooa, nellie! —rudy, assist by The Vixen |
| According to his gang signs the magicians and televangelists are going to rumble tonight. —sxot |
| If I'm interpreting the caption bubble correctly, the toilet seat is making an extremely rude proposition. —Torc. |
| "In other news, the Tide Detergent factory suffered a major fire and explosion Wednesday, which reduced the plant to a pile of spring-fresh rubble. —Torc. |
| "...and then you just wait for the acid to eat the flesh away, and you'll have your very own skeleton to play with. I learned this one in Vietnam. Rutabega!" —Ristoril |
| Beneath his intense demeanor, Roy was thrilled that the HGTV graphics department had agreed to illustrate his lecture, "The Day of the Lord's Great Screwing Is At Hand". —third from left |
| The ads for the new Crystal Meth Lite were slightly fucked up because the creators decided to "test the product for themselves" —k.a |
| "To understand this show, you must have at least 2 cubes of LSD in your drink..." —k.a |
| "Do you see this finger RIGHT HERE? THIS is what I used to use for auto-erotic anal pleasure until I found out about the IGIA Colon Drill." —Machival |
| "That's right, kiddies... the magic gears say that if you don't eat all your broccoli, the scary man in the white top hat will come for you next..." —haem |
| That's right. I did it all for the nookie! —Mr. ? |
| "Hey! Are you even paying attention? I'm not going over the steps again..." —anon |
| Tonight on HGTV, "Homes So Fucking Extreme Your Fucking Head Will Like, Fucking Explode or Something, Man," followed by "Place Settings with Lynette Jennings." —Orrin |
