IADL #26
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 "It's just a jump to the left. . . and then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight." --Capt. phealy
 Y'know, Harry, it's true. Prisoners are coddled. I mean, just look at this place! --Bill Fortier
 COPS in J C Penney --Greg J
 His bid for the presidential election having fallen through, Steve Forbes got a job as a security guard where he continues to convince shoplifters and vandals of the benefits of a flat tax. --Greg J
 Hey you kids, we're not foolin' around here, knock it off or we will be forced to use our walkie-talkies! --Pirate
 Cletus and Bubba were scopin' out the crowd in search of their next victim for the full body cavity search. --Don Spudleone
 Man, after being in prison, standing upright just doesn't feel natural. --Don Spudleone
 Come on Fred, stop flirting with those teen-age girls. You're a middle-aged, balding security guard who makes $4.25 an hour and carries a radio instead of a gun. --splatt
 Well, when I DO find that bastard with the camera, I'm gonna cram it up his A-hole! --anon
 There's Ernest T. Bass again... It's time I take the bullet outta my pocket and nip this in the bud! --Xtofer
 Hey Bob. Wonderbras are half price at Victoria's Secret. Wanna? --Xtofer
 GodDAMN, but I wish the SWAT team would get here! That guy in restroom 32 might light up another cigarette! --The Lawyer
 Fred forgets his deoderant yet again. --Der Tanzer
 Yes ma'am, he is dead. Damn fool's last request was we get him stuffed and prop him up right there in the middle of the mall where he used to work. Funny thing is, I don't reckon anyone's noticed the change. --anon
 Appearing on the March page of "The Men of Mall Security" nude calendar. --el Marko
 I told my wife, NO DAMN STARCH IN MY UNIFORM! --Bleach!
 LOOK! Now unveiling the new Stacey Koon KKK dresswear..... --Bleach!
 Step back folks, we have a nasty wet spill on isle three. Nothin' to see here. Just move along please. --John Boy
 After years of study, stress and practice, Floyd achieved his one shining goal in life, he was finally a "RENT-A-COP!" --The Most Reverend Holy Oley
 "The mallrat as we know it ( Slackus angstriddinus ), is really an organism in a larval stage. They pupate usually by working in retail, and upon adulthood, mature to the full-grown security guard (Flabbius shootatus)." -- Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, the lost episodes --Mister Sinister
 Hey Ponch, when you gonna cut me in on some of that Taco Bell action? --Monk n Treb
 Using a mannequin allowed Oscar to have his mid-morning nap uninterrupted. --Monk n Treb
 "Oh my," thought Ralph, "Dick's new uniform pants sure make him look butch!" --mcZed
 "That's right...we baaaaaaad..." --mcZed
 "The combination of a substantial stomach and a holstered weapon sends an unmistakable message to would-be shoplifters -- `I am far too out of shape to run after you, so I will simply shoot you if you attempt to run from me'" --- an excerpt from From Firing Range to Food Court: Mall Security for a New Age, Harper Collins, July, 1996. --mcZed
 "I wonder if he knows --- he must feel the same, I'm sure -- when we're on the job together, I feel ever so secure. I wonder if he knows, when we walk our little beat, that every time I'm near him my flesh radiates with heat....And when we're on the case, and we stop and rest a while, my heart goes pitter-pat at his every laugh and smile, and when we nail a perp, I wish he was nailing me -- he could take down my particulars and I would squeal with glee..." -- excerpted from "Neil's Song", one of the many show-stopping tunes from SECURITY MEN: the musical, on tour this fall! --mcZed
 Unfortunately, the mall's security guard training program neglected to instruct the guards in what to do when confronted with a flasher. --Capt. phealy
 Later in life, Tony Manero would start dancing in the oddest places. --Capt. phealy
 Chester the security guard proudly defends his 10 square feet of floor. --The Sandman
 "Hey! You over there! You here for the Bob Dole rally too?" --The Sandman
 Earl! Is that is the biggest damn donut you've ever seen? --anon

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