The Church of the Big Chinese Dude was plagued from the start with poor location. --RipperJak
I just wish I was there at the pitch meeting when someone said, "I got it! A sand sculpture of the Addams house, Amelia Eirheart and those creepy little sphere houses from Riven!" --Not Timmy's flat rotting colon.
The "Marzipan Fantasy Extravaganza" was a good idea until the day it was 100 degrees outside, and it became "Mushy Crap Travesty." --toade
New York Jones, and the Storefront of Doom --Magus
"Come on, kiddies! Come sit on the dark lord's lap! Come tell me what you want for christmas in return for a human sacrafice!.... Ah, forget it. This just isn't working." --Magus
Wow. Who'da thunk there was a satanic Santa Claus? --Magus
J.C. Penneys would always rue the day they blew off 'The Special Olympics' and instead sponsored 'Mall of America's Salute to the Most Beloved Serial Killers'; Starting with Ed Gien's farmhouse and then Charles Manson's Pigs, ending with an animatronic John Wayne Gacy telling shoppers about the new 'Bargain Crawlspace'... --Tillman
The Sandman didn't know why his Cthulhu kiosk wasn't raking in the cash. --Yog Soggy Sog
"I have done your bidding, master," thought Jerry. In the bag was an XXL cotton/poly blend from Big & Tall -- sure, he paid full price, but for infernal power over the legions of the damned, it was worth it. --phil
J.C.Penney's "Lovecraft Sale" was well advertised, but the only people that showed up had this strange fishy smell that scared the clerks. --hippie (do you hear something?)
Next week on Battle of the Mall Titans...The Rock People from the dark side of Uranus board their mother ship and prepare to return to the Ninth Dimension, petrified and yet oddly aroused by their encounter with the big naked metal guy at the Foot Locker --Mutantdog
Based on the success of 'Christmas Land' and 'Easter Land', 'Bad Acid Trip Flashback Land' failed to meet expectations. --not for the faint of heart
Unfortunately, Helen didn't notice the warning marks on the ground and was caught at ground zero of the shaving cream flood ... --Riff
Why is there a fence around this thing? They afraid someone will steal it?? --mutantdog
If Fred has noticed the pile of enormous skulls and gigantic bones that lay outside the 'store', he might have survived. --Magus
Many of the town children refused to sit on Goth Santas lap. --ChoppingBlock
The Cartoon Network is now selling prefab housing. Two styles are available -- the Addams and the Bedrock. --Shem
The winning entry in the "Aushwitz By The Beach" sand crematoreum contest. --munkiman
"Darling, are we almost out of good Karma? I can run right into Happy Hindu's while we're here and pick up a couple of astral liters worth." --helen keller, cosmic blind mute deaf chick
Barry was torn. Obviously, a wasp nest this size meant the mall was seriously infested, and he couldn't have that. Still, the sheer creativity of the wasps left him both awed and afraid... --Shifter
Despite the extraordinary amount of planning and advertising, the Sodomy Hut was a dismal flop. --Heath
The sand castle creatures bided their time. Oh yes, they would have their revenge...then an Orange Julius at the food court. --The 13th Angel
Rather than tear it down and risk the curse, they just built the mall around Old Man McCloskey's house. --Shem
In the new sequel, Indiana Jones travels to the ancient temple of Mumbuula, the Tolmek god of mini-golf. --Mr. ?
Infeldel! Bow dow to the might of Kmarta, or there will be no bargains at J.C. Penny's for you! --Mr. ?
JC Penney's. Now selling forbidden goods from places men fear to tread. They must have bought out Pier 1. --Mr. ?
From 1:00 PM to 3:00 PM this Saturday the FoxMoor Mall will be hosting the 6th annual shit-sculpting competitiion. --Opie
"So it's Hansel and Gretel except it's done in Chinese and the Gingerbread House is made out of Hunan Chicken? I smell another Oscar!" --helen keller
Who would have guessed Baba Yaga's Hut was located in the Mall of America? --Not Russ
"Hell is a giant mall filled with sand sculptures of Man-Houses and potato sacks with eyes? Boy did I sell my soul to the wrong guy!" --DieLifeDie
"Tonight on the WB, Sinbad and his crew descend on the evil magician's Fortress of Mall-evolence and stop off for some corndogs in the Food Court." --helen keller, But Vat About Zeena, yah?
The Demons of Hell exhibit at East Towne Mall had few visitors. --Kim X