IADL #449
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 "Thanks for listening, ma'am. Most people are comsymp liberal queers who don't want to hear what's happening to this country." Just a few minutes more, thought Belinda, and I can take out the earplugs. --Horselover Fat
 Roger had long fantasized about taking a 9-hour plane flight with a sour-faced old bat in a tacky coat. Now he knew-- some things should remain fantasies. --Horselover Fat
 Okay, let's be obvious here: The young guy farted. The old lady gets blamed for it. My dad pulled this same schtick every Saturday at the supermarket for 15 years. Next. --rudy pepper (and he was good at it, too!)
 The Langoliers Episode II: The Spectral Spinster. --bananasox
 Thank you for flying Southwest Airlines flight 405 from Dallas to Houston via New Orleans, Lubbock, Detroit and Birmingham. --Jenn "What's sad is it's prolly true" Dolari
 Linda, 89 years old. Still loves a firm, young ass. --The Enigma (it's not MY fault....)
 It's time for Mad-Lib IADL Captioning! Just fill in the blanks.... "Look, it's an old (unfair ethnic stereotype) woman! (Deity of choice), she sure is (rude comment regarding her age or appearance)! (Profane word)!" --The Enigma
 "...goddamn ticket agent, goddamn luggage handler, goddamn security checkpoint, goddamn stewardesses, goddamn laxative..." --Heath
 By some cruel twist of fate, Todd and Estelle were both fantasizing about making it with the stewerdess. --The Solution
 Mike's mind was already imagining the hot babes he'd see at wet t-shirt contests when he got to Daytona for Spring Break. As fate would have it, Laverne was already mentally picking out which T-Shirt she would wear to the wet T-Shirt contests when she got to Daytona for Spring Break --The Answer
 The exact moment Ruth Buzzi realizes she could've gotten some off Arte Johnson all that time. --Orrin "you bet your bippy" Bloquy
 Sure . . . the "Mile-High" club seems like a great idea when you're in the air, but the second that plane lands, Boy do things get awkward. --Hang Lose
 The Government deportation of Crazy Aunt Alda's, Pedophilic Uncle Berts, and Badly touped Grandpa Georges. --mokohki (milk milk milk it!)
 Oedipus and Jocasta flew to Mexico for their honeymoon. --Male Bimbo
 Incontenence (in KON ten ens): inability to control urination or defecation. --Nrrrd Diva
 Bobby politely insisted to Grandma that swapping wads of gum would prolong its flavor... They realize simultaneously how wrong he was. --aeon
 Ethel cursed the slow-moving passengers. She'd watched Steve bolt down 2 whole 'Gorditas' before boarding. Now his kidneys were waging war, and it was only a matter of time. --SalsaShark
 When Planes Land Safely, tonight on Non-Stop Fox!! --crispy
 If Shirley was feeling grumpy, she would apply mascara to sleeping passengers next to her. If she were extra grumpy, she'd cut their hair, too. --crispy
 ValuJet's "Standing-Room-Only" fares are a bargain...but make sure you buy that in-flight insurance! --Cryptique
 Bill usually dealt harshly with blabbermouth seatmates. However, Eunice caught him on a good day and only lost a hand. --zeitgeist
 We fly the frumpy skies. --Mr. ?
 Something-something, something something something something tampon! --Bad Girl
 "Then one day in 1987, I found myself with Ron Jeremy's pud up my hiney, and I said 'Honey, it's time to quit the porn buisness.'" Bob learns the hard way that flying southwest is as bad as bus travel. --Frenchy, the Toad Swallower
 Terrorists have resorted to new tactics that involve placing loud grumpy people on each flight. --Mr. ?
 If this picture only had a gigantic robotic baby Jesus and 3000 pounds of heroin, then! THEN! Then it would be art! Alas... --AQUALUNG
 Aerosenilophobia (n): fear of being seated next to a mumbling, urine-smelling, housecoat-wearing great-grandmother on a cross-country flight. --Sean Q
 "Note to self: Airline food and coke-filled condoms do not mix." --Boopy
 Marge had been sizing Trevor up the entire flight."Ah, fuck it," she thought. "The l'il whippersnapper's dink probably isn't big enough to fracture my hip." --Boopy
 Note to self: Take this pinhead out of the will. --Boopy
 Tim was nervous about bringing Mavis to meet his parents. Luckily hers were dead. --Splunge
 This flight looks like my own personal hell, and that old lady is Satan. --Parka
 Ms. Wilhelm gets a sudden sick feeling that all may not be right with little Fluffy down in the cargo hold. --I am Kirok!
 She was vibrant, buxom, and 21. Then she got hooked on Smokehouse Almonds. Don't let this be you! --Crack Baby
 One full plane. One in-flight meal of beans and beer. Only one working bathroom, currently occupied by a constipated, 400-pound Texan whose fat ass vapor-locked on the toilet seat, causing his intestines to get pulled out by the suction. Christ, no wonder Mavis looks pissed. --narcoleptic
 Ernesto bit his lip and tried to keep silent...but that poodle dye and perm was just too, too awful for his delicate sensitivities to ignore.. --A Grouch
 "All right, dude. You can do this! You licked Sherman's armpit, you ate a live goldfish, and you drank a beer off of Venezia's ass." The Mile High Club was more than a badge of honor at the Theta Delt house. --Kearney
 Ester was pissed. She had cheated death again. --Kearney
 "Well this sucks", thought Doris, "I now officially have more hair on my abdomen than on my forehead." --Hang Lose
 "Baseball" thought Johnny, "School work . . . The fat cashier at McDonalds . . President Lincoln . . " But it was to no avail. Every time he glanced back at Helen, his member stood firmly, and embarrassingly 'at attention'. --Hang Lose
 Hey guys, cheer up! It's not like you could be expected to make it past page forty-two of the Kama-Sutra on a continental flight. --Hang Lose
 "... and when I turned thirteen, I started bleeding from my hoo-hoo, and no one had ever told me about the birds and the bees, so I cried and cried and I thought that my life was over, but then the school nurse told us about why that was happening and it wasn't so scary anymore, but now I don't bleed no more nohow - but let me get back to my girlhood years where was I? Oh, yes. Then I turned 14..." --snackwhore
 "If this one is any indication," Sister Pat thought as she arrived in Daytona Beach for Spring Break, "with all the drinking and drugs and lechery and homosexuality. There's going to be a lot of smiting from on high before this week is up." --ice-bear
 For some funny reason, as she disembarked, Dolores was in the mood for a hot italian sausage. And Jimmy had the hugest hankering for jerky. --Hang Lose
 The woman who introduced Wilbur and Orville to the "100 ft high club" back in '09 --Poitin

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