IADL #491
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 "Now you see the penis is more or less fully erect..." Blah blah blah, thought Tina, turning away in disgust. Just keep it out of my hair this time. --Roy
 Cousin It's harem girls are all rigorously educated. --phil
 Good morning, and welcome to Internet 101. Since the school has no computer budget, I'll need a volunteer to print out the Internet for us. Everyone with an Internet Computer, please raise your hand... --Kurt L. (Yeah, like high schools even make the effort...)
 "Our unholy Father below, we call upon thy dark powers to rid this school of thine enemies. Yea, through this sacrifice of flesh..." Later, the school board decided they had been much too vague in the school prayer policy. --Mycroft (salvaging Werehamster)
 "And I've rolled up the flag this time, so don't expect the 'How many states in the Union?' question to be the cakewalk it was for the last class." --Trism
 Y'know, I don't have to stand here and teach. I've had offers, serious offers, from major think tanks in academia where my skills could be better utilized. But I do this because I want to make a (picks up an Eberhard Faber eraser, wings it at her book, and knocks the book to the floor while the eraser leaves a four foot cloud of chalk dust that has the asthmatic kid behind her groping for his Bronk-Aid mist) difference in your lives. Now open your books to Page 48... --rudy (I HAD that teacher and the chalk marks on my Silmarillion to prove it!)
 Question 17: The file cabinet contains a revolver, "Mimbam the Chaotic Evil Hobbit Berserker," two diaphragms, Mindy's pack of Marlboro Lights, a hip flask full of cheap tequila, and a broken GameBoy. The teacher contains cheap tequila, two Taco Bell burritos, a nasty gas bubble halfway up his colon, and Valium. What is the union of these two sets? --rudy (self-salvaging)
 And Cynthia begat Al, who sprang fully grown from her head... --SuperNova
 Nickelodeon School for Preteen Lolitas, where Clarissa Explains It All during 7th period, but in the morning, Mr. Dunderwood Explains the Monroe Doctrine. --Heath
 "And any of you kids who are thinking of writing cheat notes on the back of your calculators," Mr. Dellapiazza concluded with a smug expression, "let me assure you that I'm always one step ahead of cheaters!" WHAT A DORK! Tonya tapped into her TI 188/8A. Within moments, a dozen of her classmates responded in agreement via infrared link, while the rest of the campus' reactions were delayed thanks to the internode latency of the school's secret broadband packet radio Ethernet. --Rotter
 Trixie shuddered as Mr. Horthwip, the English Lit teacher, began the 16th verse of "Henry the Eighth", a punishment meted out only when the entire class failed to bring a sacrifice for the goat of a thousand young. Rare side effects my ass, she thought, we have GOT to find a way to get him off of the Viagra. --deadcoil
 Pretty lavender textbooks are one of the many extras at Big Hair Comunity College. --The Golden Refugee
 "Today, class, I'd like to begin by teaching you a vocabulary word: 'Tenure.' What it means: From today onward, the school board can't do jack squat to me so long as I don't miss any classes, lead you in prayer, or lay a finger on any of you. Think about this while I read my motocross magazines, and then leave -- quietly -- when the bell rings." --Rotter
 "And I have a special treat for you all. Tomarrow when we start our unit on The History of Ancient Rome I will be dressing up as a gladiator for you." --I am Kirok!!!
 "OK, saying 'no' to incest role-playing. I need some volunteers... Tara, Sheniqua, Heather, come up here." --crispy
 Whenever Carrie was bored in class, she would twirl the flag around the flagpole. --Valvoline
 On Hat Day, Jenni's "Vietnam Veteran" hat won her the blue. --Tuxedo Bill
 Professor Riley stared at the blackboard behind him, and then sneered at the class. 384 erasers thrown, no hits. Amateurs, he thought to himself. --Bucky
 Do I hear $25? $25? $25? Do I hear $15? Come on, ladies, $15 for this fine specimen of an engineer? --Stan Xhiao
 Talk about really inadvisable chest wigs. --Horselover Fat
 Please, ladies, I know it seems long, but we have to give respect to Stuttering Phil as leads us in the "Pledge of Allegiance". --megafrim
 "And then, after ejaculation, the sperm fertilize the ovum. The sperm also coat the vaginal wall, leaving so-called 'evidence' for conniving little Lolitas to destroy someone's hard-earned Harvard tenure. Now, on to pregnancy..." --for(;;);
 "Ohhh, I'm afraid Jenny's slouching again. ANOTHER SPANKING!" --for(;;);
 When they started pitching javelins the professor knew he was in for a tough semester. --B.Bonzai
 Five seconds later, Brittany discovered "The Story of O" was not a phonics book. --Mr. Groundhog
 "And then the man slides the... uh, penis into the, er... hell, half this class is pregnant. Why don't we just skip to "Condoms" on page 63? --Elkman (salvaging Peckinpaugh)
 Alright everyone, open your copy of 'Getting to Know the Voices in Your Head' to Chapter 4 'Nurturing Your Inner Sociopath'... --Leaf
 Mr. Bobb struggled to remember what level of Piagetian cognitive development corresponded to an inability to determine where the front of the room was. --Dvandom the education researcher
 "All right, children, open your copy of Jane's Small Arms to the section on Federated Arms. Today we'll be reviewing how to fieldstrip and clean a FA .337." SELF 361, "Personal Defense for Cheerleaders," was one of State U's most popular courses. --Spectre
 "Here's a photo from my years at St. Mary's School for Mall Chicks. I'm still friends with some of them, but not with Tonya, who seemed to like getting rapped with the ruler a little too much." --LadyJ, Memoirs --for(;;);
 Man, even with the lights off, it's still too bright in here to take off my sunglasses to teach a class! --/SPEC tive
 Hmm. The Illustrated Kama Sutra. "Hey Jennifer, what does Kama Sutra mean?" --bughunter
 Conrad displayed the red-and-white-striped handkerchief prominently on his right just in case someone in his class wanted to shave him. --Ken (can't believe I researched that)
 "Hmmm.. let's see: Class Rules.... What! No in class purging? . . . denied!" --Mitch
 "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were right. She slept through the whole thing. If you ask me, Bill, that's nothing to be proud of. Stop grinning, already." --gonzette (is this the same classroom, or are those green windowblinds standard issue in all of them now?)
 "Hi, I'm Tom Clancy. Your other American Government teacher has been murdered by right-wing nutjobs. I'll be teaching you today that you can't trust anyone, and you're all gonna die in a fiery explosion of nuclear mayhem. Any questions?" --rudy
 "Does anyoneknow? The CIVIL WAR! Lincoln was president during the CIVIL WAR!! I swear, that Spinnwebe site is rotting all your brains." --Rotter
 At Robert Smith Pre-Goth School, education is our business. Here, a group of second graders in Mr. Benson's class study Jean-Paul Sartre. --Rotter
 This was the last straw. The little bitch had turned around in Mr. Turner's class for the last time. It was time for the Pointer Of Doom. --Zoltar the Not-so-Great
 Today, Mr. Hazelwood would teach his economics class concepts of joint demand. When you buy a Mac, you have to buy the software that goes with it. Peanut butter, jelly. Hot dogs, mustard. Jeannie had a different example in mind for tonight: birth control and really cheap vodka. --peckinpaugh
 Look at 'em. So cute. Soon they'll be rolling joints and wearing skirts without panties. Aaah, the circle of life. --Wacko
 "For tonight, ladies, I want you to read this novel by a very famous writer named Nabokov. And if it gives you any ideas, well go right ahead!" --Heath
 Everyone knew that the best professor for Cross Dressing 101 was Mrs. Van Horton. ----Tice
 The science fair was again a success this year. Little Tommy made advances in progressive aging, Bobby up front's project explained the dangers of fire, while Ronnie and Joe demonstrated the effects of estrogen. --Aadroma (salvaging)
 "Like, omigod! This book he assigned us has, like, a whole bunch of pages! Like, how can anyone get PAST all this, n'some junk?" --Aadroma
 Sally stared at the book for three straight days before realizing that there really WAS no Magic Eye puzzle. --Aadroma
 "For you next creative writing project, I want you to cut out a cartoon from the paper and insert your own caption...yes, Galcik, you have a question?" --A Grouch
 ...so then I says, "You and what army, fuckface?" That's when the beer mugs started flying and the barkeep pulled out this bigass Louisville Slugger... ***BRRRINGGG*** ...Okay, class, looks like time's up. Remember, your papers on the paradigm of voice in Turgenev and Faulkner are due tomorrow. --Orrin Bloquy
 Cue porn music in 3...2... --Mr. ?
 "Okay, then, could somebody who isn't having a bad hair day demonstrate the next problem at the board?" --flodnak
 "So, does anyone understand what lesson is to be learned from the Boston Massacre? That's right! Don't throw snowballs at men with loaded guns." --peckinpaugh
 Slowly, slowly, Rodney inched forward... with Mr. Baum distracted, the four-in-one pen would be his! --Bill
 Melinda finished the incantation, and the djinni appeared. But instead of a heavily muscled torso fading to blue smoke, he had an button-down Oxford fading to oily smog. --Wabewalker
 Okay, today in AP Jersey History, turn to chapter 11: Birth of the Shopping Mall. --Coalcracker

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