IADL #497
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 I can get you into Heaven.... but it'll cost you your weight in oatmeal. --Bisti
 If that ain't a human head in your knapsack, then don't even bother talkin' to me, sonny. --Bisti
 "Wow, you really can't do anything with a Philosophy degree! Thanks Aristotle! I'm going to business school!" --Timmy
 "Son, around here we just don't walk up to people and ask for oral sex. But since yer obviously new to these parts, I'll let it slide." --MrScary (I figured there was no way I would make it in with a standard "santa selling drugs" joke, so there it is.
 You best get a move on. We don't take kindly to people with teal jackets. --Mr. ?
 If you vote for me, I promise a cardboard box on every corner! --Anastasia
 Farmer Lewis, the only other source of natural wool known. --ChAoS
 Will dispense folksy, homespun country wisdom for crack. --Rotter
 "Sir, for you, may I suggest the new Gillette Mach 17?" --peckinpaugh
 Ah . . . the undeniable scent of Really, Really Old Spice. --peckinpaugh
 "Sorry, I already sold my soul to Satan for this fine polyester-blend sea green windbreaker." --peckinpaugh
 Michael Moore's newest film, Farmer Ernie and Me --RMD
 He had known the man's father and his father's father, and he sensed that the man was in real turmoil, so he offered his best counsel and wisdom regardless. But still Rabbi Mendel wished to God he'd hadn't decided to walk to the shtetl Halloween party in his hillbilly costume. --Rotter
 Well, Edgar, it's good ta see that there College crap didn't pay off. We done told ya that the City Life weren't for ya. But, hey, no hard feelin's. Grab a nametag, and welcome to the fambly bizniss. --deadcoil (Darn fool prodigal son)
 Why should ya vote Clyde in 2000? Simple- Free chitlins fer everyone! --deadcoil (Vote Clyde)
 No sooner had he fitted one piece of metal to another piece of metal when he was approached by a high-tech venture capitalist offering to fund an IPO. --Rotter
 Naw, naw. Ya cain't go puttin another LPT port in yer motherboard if ya gots an IRQ conflict on COM2, son. That'd be like fryin a catfish with 2 pans. Ya gots to first reassign somma that there memory address, and then try switchin one of them jumpers manually to give LPT2 IRQ11. Shee-it, boy, didn't yer momma teach you nuthin about hardware? --deadcoil (with regards to Bill Gates)
 "...I use the other pair o'glasses to see through the lasses skirts." --OAK
 February, 2000: Ross Perot goes undercover to see if the common man wants him to run again. A week later, he decides to anyway. --Ken
 All I said was, "Geez, I sure wish I knew how to make 10 quick bucks." Then, with a mighty cry of, "Ahoy, there, sailor..." --Badger
 "Okay, Mr. Thorne, I got the money. Now, what I want is a sketch with Red Sonja and Ghita having a nude swordfight, while Moonshine McJugs..." The tragedy of cartoon porn addiction. --Desscribe
 Thats right son, its a 2000psi pressure washer used for cleaning 747 jumbo jets....I figger it'll give you a right powerful enema. --Slibs
 ...an' that's when I told 'em, "Boys, get yer freeloadin', pretty-boy asses outta here and git a gosh-danged job! I mean hell an' damnation! Th' insurance premiums on the General ain't exactly gonna pay themselves, now are they? --Kurt L. (Never meanin' no harm...)
 Lovely, lovely...I'll take two of these grizzled old men, and one homely amish woman...to go. --Jenn Dolari
 Okee, well, you hang a right near where they found ol' Fish Eyed Bert that one night a few weeks back drunk off his ass baying at the moon, then go down past Widder Bessie's place, the one with the dead cow that used to be in the front yard, y'know, then go left down the road where Merle Fahrquart drove his Nash Rambler into the creek. It'll be on yer left, just past Sheep Bugger Fred's place. Sign on the door sez 'Men." Cain't miss it... --rudy (I grew up in a town like that...)
 "Well, the Chateau Briand at Perrino's is exquisite, but if you're just in town for the day, you might want to go with the twin Petite Filets Mignon at the Old Shaker Inn. You do have a suit and tie in that knapsack, I presume...?" --rudy
 "yeah, in the old days I smote a lot of people, flooded the world, sent plagues, even breathed new life into John Travolta's career, but people got kind of sick of all the meddling and guilt. These days I pretty much just watch Matlock." --Timmy
 Finally, after many days of trying to get the network back up, Jim is forced to travel to see the Unix Guru. --Leth
 Insane, babbling street person, or UNIX programmer? Who can tell? --Werehamster
 "Damned if I know. I've been yelling at him to come down all day, but no luck." --Bleech_
 "Yep, I usta live 'ere, till dem danged health officials decided that all the asbestas in my house was downright unhealthy. So they had to tear it down. That's when they found dem old corpses in my cellar. And, ta make a long story short, 15 years and a certificate of mental health later, 'ere I am, just living my old mem'ries. Don't let anybody tell ya that ya can't fool dem ol' doctors. Ya jest gotta know how to answer their queshions." --FireVampire
 Six more days, and Hee Haw is on again. --Bad Girl
 "Hold on, son. In case you haven't noticed, this is a dark blue town. Best be out by sunset." --Spun Clyde
 "Okay, but me and the missus'll cost you extra." --Stan Xhiao
 "...and I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky...ummm...teal jacket wearin'... ball cap ... middle aged guy!" --Hos
 Say, that's a purty windbreaker! You get that at one of them highfalutin' general stores? --Coalcracker
 Naw, son, this here's Hillbilly Heaven. Anal-retentive Jackass Heaven's jest over that thar fence. --Zoltar the Not-so-Great
 You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen... Well, they all ended up sharing a damned reindeer condo. Bunch of swingers, they were. Comet? Slowest one of the bunch. Flew like he had an invisible refrigerator strapped to his back. Cupid? Shoulda named her "Whoredog." Donner was the only normal one of the bunch. Blitzen? Poor ol' thing. Blew out his colon on juniper berries. Had to tie his colostomy bag to the reins to keep it from flapping around in the wind. And you know about Rudolph? Fame went to his head and he started hitting the hooch. Used to say his nose was powered by Jagermeister. I tell ya, it was a miracle that we didn't end up like a weathervane atop the Sears Tower... --rudy
 A scene from the new broadway musical Hazard! --Hos
 "...and the best thing is, young feller, I ain't got a stitch on underneath the coveralls. Wanna say 'Howdy-Do' to the ol' seed drill?" --Stan Xhiao
 "Look here, chile, Jesus hasn't taken no bath since 33 AD, so Ah don' see why Ah should neither." --Heath
 The disappointing original finale to "Lonesome Dove" in which Captain Woodrow Call ends his career hosting a children's show on a Phoenix public television station. --jeffrey
 The love scene from "The Ayatollah in Kentucky" --30 laser
 "The overalls are to die for! Can I get them in loden, pumpkin, or sage?" --RIZZZ
 "Waal, son, that there Spinn fellow got me thinkin'. Here's a slate, take a cartoon off that there tree, get to it'! Best ones get chalked up on that wall yonder. Don't be shy!" --Nyder
 "Nekked pitchers o' Dr. Laura? You done got my attention, teal jacketed-stranger." --The Golden Refugee
 Grandpa was the ultimate redneck. Not only could he have fed whole third-world nations with the stains on his overalls, he could commit incest with people just by looking at them. --Nyder
 "...with your Auntie Susie, and yer pa--who, remember, warn't really yer pa anyway--married first his third cousin and then his own stepdaughter . So, to make a long story short, son, I ain't so much yer grandpa as yer half-stepbrother-in-law's aunt's sister's father.". --Nyder
 Yes I know, God made you my Father. But Prozac makes you my friend. --sinsin101
 "But ZZ Top was more than just beards, broads, and bitchin wheels, man. It was about brotherhood, and the beauty of - no wait - come back ! Don't go ! " --minga
 Nope, son, it's not a beard - it's just mold. --yet again Darren
 "Ah dunno, son. I already gots mahself a T-1 line, and that there laptop yer' peddlin is about as good as an armless man in a pie eatin' contest, if you know what I mean." --Magus

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