IADL #51
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 "Demi hated the hair, and now that I've let myself go like this she won't even touch me. And it's getting harder to find my penis..." --Bruce "12 Twinkies" Willis
 I have no mouth, and I must belch... --Doc Evil
 "Keep laughing, you web-surfing geeks." Let's just see ... tweak these wildcards in altavista, and ... bingo. The e-mail addresses of everyone who has accessed the Dysfunctional Life pages in the past six months. Now, a little work with Bigfoot and 4-1-1, I'll have some street addresses to go along with these, and then I'll start paying a few surprise visits. "Yeah, you pencil-necked net-jockeys. Just remember: the bigger they are, they harder they hit." --Menace
 Another soul finds Nirvana. Or maybe he's just wasted. It's hard to tell anymore. Well, anyway, time to head to the track. Lemme just rub my own belly for luck... --Der arm Schmuck
 Brando explores his motivation for his next scene during a special guest apperance on QVC. --Jojo the Hydrocephalic Moppet,
 Mongo like Macy's! Mongo get great sandals with matching sundress! White Flower Day good! UUUUURHHHHHH! --Jojo the Hydrocephalic Moppet,
 GM is offering career-training for all its laid-off workers. Here's Dave Sokolkowski, former spot welder, learning the finer points of being a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus. --Jojo the Hydrocephalic Moppet,
 Clark went on with his business without noticing that a giant spaceship was descending to his right. The aliens were back - and this time, they were gonna take more than just his hair. --Tom Fulp
 You see my mate? She shorter than me, only 8 feet tall. She got cute kitty cat shirt. --not elsie
 King Kong Bundy pauses to reflect, and pray for the souls of the people he crushed beneath his boots as he cut a path to the soft pretzel store. --BrickBat
 Man, do these pinstripes make me look thinner or what? --Riff
 Yup, there's nothing like a good shammy to give my head that showroom sparkle! --Riff
 Man, there's nothing in the world like lyin' on this bench and playing with myself as I watch fat guy's asses pass me by . . . --Riff
 Only recently attaining the Dragon level of Kung-Fu, Larry was unable to make the mystical golden glow reach beyond his hands and cover his entire person. --Riff
 Baloonman and Needleboy: a superhero team for the nineties. --Riff
 OK, let's see here..."difficult zone"...Brando, check...Sartorial disasters, check...Eerie lighting effects, check... --Capt. phealy
 The Amazing Colossal Man's lawsuit resulted in mall ceilings being raised by 500 feet. --Capt. phealy
 Butch feverishly scanned through the building directory. He hated to be late to his first interpretive dance class. --Coyote
 Sy Sperling's day would take a turn for the worse when this dissatisfied customer finally found his office. --anonywuss
 Brando peruses the script for his new action thriller Flubber III: the Somber Reckoning. --Ngoc van Trimble
 No, Dave is NOT overweight. He's just wearing his "Hefty-Hefty Shit Sack" jumbo colostomy bag. --S. Toma
 Melvin grew increasingly despondent as he encountered yet another "Big and Tall Men's Shop" with a doorway too small for him to enter. --Sauk Hawk
 Candy stripers at the hospital aren't what they used to be. --Don Spudleone
 Isn't this Queequeg from Moby Dick????? --Don Spudleone
 A victim of Lord Sarnak's SPEAR! --Don Spudleone
 Gomer was lucky: Because of his extreme girth, the aliens were forced to find another inbred, slack-jawed yokel. --Don Spudleone
 Boy, Patrick Stewart really let himself go... --Doc Evil
 This piece entitled, "Man with Jugs" is one of Chuck Close's most rare, forgotten works. --ChoppingBlock
 I'm sooo pretty! Oh, sooo pretty! --A fat bad guy shopping for panty hose
 Alfred Hitchcock: The Wino Years. --toade
 An off-duty Hare Krishna takes a break at the Airport Snack Bar. --kafka
 Nipples badly chafed, Brando rethinks his exercise regime. --Ngoc van Trimble
 I'm tellin' ya he's hiding squirrels in his pants!! --Don Spudleone
 If you catch him in the right light, you can see down his shirt. Of course, who in the hell would want to do that?? --Don Spudleone
 Many directors have realized that hiring Brando can be a cost-saving measure: you don't really need a set. --Horselover Fat
 Big Ed unexpectedly discovers the Holy Grail's last resting place, while shopping for a new pair of tennis shoes. --patrik
 Just can't seem to get a job since Ed Wood kicked the bucket.... --Chuck Morford

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