IADL #512
(some picture)  (<<)  (<)  (>)  (>>)
  (?)    '?'

 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the world's least effective nose-hair trimmer. --Kichigaisakka W4-san
 "Once you've sold them on Ear Candles, they'll buy anything!" from "Increasing Crystal Shop Profits" by Rainbow Sunflower, Crystal Angel Aura Monthly, July 1999. --Stefan Jones
 These third party candidates are getting more desperate by the minute. --El Juno
 The sad fate of a class clown: Darryl treats the persistent yeast infection brought on by years of laughing milk up through his nose. --Stefan Jones
 Book high-intensity prop comic Snot O'Toole at your company function! --Pete
 While there are many awful things about the picture, the worst is that this man thinks he always gets a good haircut at Great Clips. --Male Bimbo
 Won't you please help? Give generously to the Mucous Membrane Reconstruction Project, so that Bret Easton Ellis, and all the authors who went coke freak in the '80's, can smell under their own power once again. --Pete
 Astronauts have trouble drinking the fourth round of vodka in space. --Male Bimbo
 In the new illustrated edition of Cat's Cradle, the horrors of Ice Nine really hit home. --Ken
 Great. Now I have to add another entry to my "Reasons Why Humankind is About to Come to an Abrupt and Violent End" list. --Noah
 HMO IVs --Ken
 At the party, and against his wife's better judgment, Lloyd did his "Galileo Thermometer Trick" again. --Noah
 Whoa. That's a drinking problem any way you look at it. --Noah
 In dire financial straits after plans for yet another reunion movie are scrapped, Peter from "The Brady Bunch" shoots an infomercial that haunts his career forever. --Noah
 Polish Spring... naturally filtered water --Leth
 Sure, laugh, but this trick wins him more free drinks in bars than any other. Granted, the drinks are the ones left behind by retching patrons, but results are results. --Alan Smithee
 I don't want to know where his handle and spout are, thank you. --Leth
 How they advertise marital aids during prime time. --Horselover Fat
 Geez, is that goldfish ever gonna come out? --Badger
 "Now, I'm not gonna look like a dumbass when we add in the background through the magic of special effects, right?" --Badger
 And here I was sure that the eventual IADL resources pages was going to be named "The Fucking Roos". --Horselover Fat
 And the award for least effective pickup line ever goes to Don Frombeck of Cuyahoga Falls: I can do this at the other end too, baby. --Horselover Fat
 The jig was up when one of the hamsters became thirsty and forgot how to properly operate his human host body. --MorboNixon
 I'm afraid to ask what the ventriloquist's dummy is doing during this trick. --Helder
 Eugene didn't care for the application, but he couldn't argue with the results of his new hair treatment. --Helder
 Look's like he's a quart low, ma'am; I'll just top it up here. --Weasel
 This is how they get the snow in those little glass knick knacks. --Doihle
 The madness caused by the Chinese Water Torture is nothing compared to the madness caused by knowing where that water's coming from. -- Crazy Climber
 One day, Dave knew, he'd run into Gallagher again... and this time, he'd be ready. -- Crazy Climber
 Joey always loved elephants. But this was as close as he'd ever come to being one. -- Crazy Climber
 Like something from an M.C. Escher print gone horribly awry. --Weasel
 "...at the same time, Fred is farting the Star Spangled Banner..." --BaronLurk
 Jim Carrey's dad. --Platypus
 One way to use a barometer that won't let you calculate the height of a building. --Platypus
 Bob's lover probably had different ideas when he mentioned "water sports." --Merlisk
 Good God. I'd hate to see what his alternative to Visine is. --K-Man
 "Just note how, after the special Teflon coating, the shirt stays immaculately dry!" --Stealth
 Wanna see something REALLY gross? Have someone come up from behind and tickle him! --Magikaldragon
 Peter's family finally managed to extract him from the cult, but not before he'd been brainwashed. --The Enigma (thanks to. Ravagin)
 Steve managed a faint smile, though his brow was furrowed in concentration; his head had to be at EXACTLY 45 degrees for this to work -- If it didn't, sayonara New York City. --Noah
 Admit it: doesn't your boss desperately need a cranial enema, too? --Rotter
 Sure, you could siphon gasoline the old-fashioned way. But why, when that way doesn't get you high as a fucking kite. --Noah
 Nori. When you need to drain your head. --K-Man
 No, Irv, I don't sometimes get that "not so fresh" feeling. --Orrin Bloquy
 OK, so there *was* one Sea-Monkey kit I didn't have as a kid. --anon
 D.A. Garrison later realized that he may have gone too far in trying to show the jury why the single-bullet theory was a fallacy. --CaiKnight
 "I remember you, last time you tip fifty cent on ten dollar order! Mr. Luke have special Won Ton Soup for you please!" --Sean Q (apologies to Eddie Murphy, but specifically not to Stan Xhiao :)
 Saddam Hussein breaks another prisoner through use of the dreaded "glass comma." --The Golden Retriever
 Ron Popeil knew he would live to regret his "I can market anything" boast --The Golden Retriever
 Just how much brain fluid do you need, doctor? --Mr. ?
 Septum? Damn near killed 'im! --narcoleptic
 This week on Celebrity Fetishes: Randy Quaid and hummingbird feeders. --Spun Clyde
 Christ, his water broke. He should be delivering that little snot any minute now. --rudy
 Don't laugh. The prototype was made of steel, weighed 24 pounds, and required three people to operate. --spinn
 Order now and get a BONUS Colon Floss! --Stan Xhiao
 David Letterman's heart surgeon explains the proceedure and auditions for Stupid Human Tricks. --Trenchcoat
 Remember to change your meningeal fluid every 3000 miles or you'll void your warranty. --Raven
 Absolut Nasal --Ravagin
 Ceci n'est pas une dork. --Duluoz
 Never send someone to Price Club to get an inhaler. --Gaijin Marty
 Bernoulli's Principle, right? I had this science teacher too. --Captain Howdy
 The secret of Jack Daniels' special taste is our unique filtering process. --Nyder
 First there was Grecian Formula. Then there was Grecian Formula for Moustache and Beard. Now... --Nyder
 Years later, Bill was able to truthfully tell the electorate that he didn't inhale. --Nyder
 Funny, I thought Uncle Fred had bought all the negatives... --Doc Evil
 I'd get one myself, but I'm afraid they'd make me pay through the nose for it... --Doc Evil
 Introducing the new Spinnco Nose-o-matic! Just fill it with your favorite liquid and WOW! Those unsightly loogies are a thing of the past! No more endlessly snarking your nasal mucous into the back of your throat and going hoarse hawking up phlegmballs! It reallyreally works! But wait, there's more! We'll even include our exclusive Enematic attachment! One squirt, and here comes the dirt! Nose-o-matic - Only from Spinnco! Here's how to order. --rudy (self-salvaging)
 Eventually, Roy apparently got fed up with all of us and simply ran off one rainy night. Not only did he leave town and change his name, I heard that he spent an entire week cleaning out every orafice in his body. -- William Keane Jr, Behind the Circus --Ken
 Many people can't tell their arse from their elbow. Mike just had to be different. --Nyder
 Stan doesn't get the job. --UFO_Charlie
 "...Laydee of Spain, I adooooore yooou..." --UFO_Charlie
 Call me old fashioned, but I think I'll stick with the tried and true "Pick and Flick" metod... --Doc Evil
 And on the Fourth Day, God made rain. --Trenchcoat
 "Wash your window for a dollar, sir? Come on, just a dollar!" --Trenchcoat
 Oh, yeah, the rinse cycle is pretty cool, but just wait for the spin dry. --Norm DePlume
 From: stomach@masterofallthatisevil.net To: brain@masterofallthatisevil.net Subj: WTHO Body: Would you lay off the IADL, for crying out loud? --Master of All That is Evil
 Every year, thousands of the faithful head to Minnesota in order to witness the reenactment of the death of St. Norbert. --Ken
 Unbuckling his belt, Ed exclaimed, "Now watch what this puppy can do for hemorrhoids!" --Jack
 A re-enactment of how David Crosby got Melissa Etheridge pregnant. --Rotter
 You kids these days have it easy. In my day we had to use incontinent rabbits. --Mr. Me
 No. Mr. Bond. I expect you to die. --Fimbulvetr
 Like so many once-successful Hollywood stars before him, Dabney Coleman developed a serious coke habit. Well, actually a Sprite habit... --Frenchy, the Toad Swallower
 Since it became profitable to add web interfaces to cellular phones, it was only a matter of time before we here at RealAroma got into the portable business. --RealAroma Marketing Board
 Drown you booger bastards! Drown! Mwa ha ha ha!! --Mr. ?
 "Aber machen Sie seine Mund zu, oder die Wasser von seine Poopenspigot gespurtet." --Samwise
 Unfortunately, the first thing most nasal rape victims feel compelled to do is the last thing they should do, from the standpoint of preserving evidence. --Mycroft
 Evolution of the Bong: 1928-37... So close, and yet so far. --deadcoil (Dude! His MOUTH is the carb!)
 Want to see the complete series? Use the form at the bottom of this page to submit your name, credit card number, and the statement 'I AM OVER 21'. --The Dork Wanderer
 All right, everyone. Stop your bitching. Because this is IADL, and you know good and well that this could be a picture of a 500-pound, 67-year old bearded half-naked man in overalls sticking this device into the anus of his pet goat who is also his brother. Be grateful for this picture. --The Enigma
 Boris won three tournaments this way, before the FIDE revised its rules on what constitutes a 'required medical device'. --The Dork Wanderer
 Kevin never was content to take people at their word. No, not even on that Sunday night when we insisted that the bong water smelled nasty..... --The Enigma
 After they're done filling him, I'd really hate to see the dipstick --Ryk
 Please, in the name of all things sacred, do NOT let this man near a bidet. --rudy
 Foley artists will do anything for a good sound effect. --Weasel
 Ralph discovers the hard way that drinking rubbing alcohol isn't the only way to be blinded by it. --A Grouch
 So this is why they outlawed Sea Monkeys in Greece. --Slibs
 Cue Dr Demento music in 4...3...2... --Slibs
 Here at Kinko's we strive to give the customer what they want. Can't get that shade of green just right on your color oversize? We'll create the color in house, just for you! --Jenn Dolari
 Yet another advertising copywriter is forced to undergo ritual humiliation after appearing in Spinn's "apostrophe" pages. --Ladislav the Posthumous
 Breathing fire out of your nose may look cool, kids, but it can lead to a lifetime of this... --Ladislav the Posthumous
 "Honey, let me explain...." --Joyride
 Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such films as "Earlobe Hygene: It's Not Just for Chicks" and "Effective Toejam Elimination". --Cha Cha the frozen Primate
 Warning: Using the Nori near a mirror is not recommended. --Mr. Me
 Just run whatever liquid you like through this great contraption, and BAM! you've now got mucous in it! --bluedragon
 Doubles as mustache cleanser! --drelord
 I'd rather have the colds, chronic headaches, earaches and insomnia. --Mycroft
 The Germans are still trying to come up with an icon that will beat the Belgian's peeing boy. Nice try, but no biscuit. --Weasel
 ... and if you think he had bad karma, you should see what Bombur got reincarnated as. --Mr. Me (damnit, I know there's a Tolkien caption in here somewhere)
 Well, sir, your accident means you'll never have children, but you will still be able to urinate! Let me show you... --Ladislav the Posthumous
 The Nori - symbol of the phallocentric caste dichotomy/pa(rad)ox in this post-Zizek era; an Aristotle to the nose-hair's Gauss, a Kantian imperative towering over the stunted, outmoded Wittgenstein of the moustache, perhaps akin to what Adams described as "the long, dark tea-time of the soul"? Surely a significant challenge to the Marx-Diderot-Eco "view" of the w(or)ld. --Ladislav the Posthumous
 I think I prefered it when Saddam Hussain just fingered his nose at the U.N. --Monkey Punch
 Just remember parents, if you don't teach your children about the wonders of conventional medicine now, they may end up like this someday. --Anastasia
 Sloppy seconds, anyone? --Anastasia
 "Hey, lay off! At least I stopped freebasing Preparation H!" --Paul T. Riddell
 Bob was REALLY, REALLY happy that he was able to buy one of Pam Anderson's old implants on Ebay --Vitriol (and really, who wouldn't be?)
 In his old age, Rube Goldberg's cartoons went from inventive to just plain weird. --Al Fresco
 I can't wait until next year's Jumbo Nori for cleaning out the entire digestive tract. Now THAT will be an impressive picture. --Weasel
 Sure, it may be "wonderfully agreeable," but does it relieve heatiness? --the Society to Rid the Earth of Celine Dion
 It all started one day when Bill got to wondering, "I wonder if fish can smell..." --Toaster
 Then Papa Bear roared, "Someone's been rinsing with my Nori!" --Ken (or is it Norridge?)
 "It was when Burt had a bellows stuffed up his ass and the soap bubbles came out his ears that I knew our marriage was finally over." --It's a Wrap, Reynolds, Loni Anderson. --Orrin Bloquy
 No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to make various unpleasant gurgling noises and slowly drown, with a ridiculous glass bulb embedded in your nostril. --Ravagin
 Those Penn and Teller gags don't seem quite so clever when your brother-in-law demonstrates them. --The Boz
 Damn you IADL... i've just come down with a raging sinus infection, and I really wish I had one of those things. I coulda been sick and blissfully ignorant, but noooooooooooo... now I'm sick and wishing I could be pouring salt water up my nose. --Platypus
 Spinnwebe: Um, it's, you know... goofy stuff that comes out of my head. --Elkman (with props to Spinn)
 This is strange, Arthur Dent thought. I could have sworn I heard that stream of water saying, "Oh no, not again!" --Ken
 Carlo always loved the ol' in and out... --Zach Lee

Back to the IADL Archive index
Back to It's A Dysfunctional Life