Zoomin' for a Schumin

In August 2000, my web provider went out of business. My site was down until the end of September 2000, while I was waiting for the new machine to arrive and get configured. In the meantime, I was running a temp site somewhere else that had a "SpinnWebe is down" message; after a while I got bored with just having that and started doing occasional updates with silly or amusing things.

During that time, Dodge introduced me to The Schumin Web, which set me on an ever-increasing path of discovery and amazement through the Land of Suck. What follows are the updates I put for each day for Schumin Week.

My apologies for links to Ben's site not working, but it's just not worth tracking all of them down to fix them whenever he reogranizes things.

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Ben Schumin Week, Day 2Sep 12, 2000

I think this is gonna be Ben Schumin week. The SpinnWebe crowd is all abuzz over the site, and I imagine there's enough material there to keep us going until Friday.

To wit: he updates his front page with some quote every week or so, followed by a lengthy explanation on what the quote's about. This week it's "If it's audible, then it's not silence." Underneath is an admittedly Wacky-grade picture of an alarm control panel with a indicator that says "audible silence". He naively attributes this odd phrase to JMU instead of the manufacturers of the control panel, and then rambles officiously on about how "The very nature of silence demands no sound!" etc., etc., and uses it as proof that JMU itself is clueless.

So this gets me to thinking: what's the point of this odd phrase? Ben Schumin's picture of the panel doesn't include a brand or model number, so I can't call that company specifically. I do some looking around and find Jewett, Inc., manufacturer of pathology and speciality products (with HEMAMAN, which is about the creepiest spokes, uh, person I've ever seen), including a T100-1 Temperature Surveillance Module, which provides an Audible Silence feature. I find their tech support number and give them a call.

JEWETT: Hello, this is technical support, how may I help you?
SPINN: Hi. I just have a general question about something I saw on your web site. One of your products has something called "Audible Silence", and the phrase seems self-contradictory. Can you tell me what it means?
JEWETT: You mean, what's the "Audible Silence" feature?
SPINN: Yeah.
JEWITT: That's so if you're doing inventory, or checking equipment, the alarm doesn't go off unneccesarily.
SPINN: Ohh, so it basically means "silence the audible alarm" then.
JEWETT: Right.

Ah. So basically it's Ben Schumin spouting condescendingly on a topic he knows nothing about. Imagine!

TOMORROW: The "big emergency button" he mentions in this week's quote explanation. If I had to go digging through his archives to find it, you're damn well gonna share my pain.

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