Zoomin' for a Schumin

In August 2000, my web provider went out of business. My site was down until the end of September 2000, while I was waiting for the new machine to arrive and get configured. In the meantime, I was running a temp site somewhere else that had a "SpinnWebe is down" message; after a while I got bored with just having that and started doing occasional updates with silly or amusing things.

During that time, Dodge introduced me to The Schumin Web, which set me on an ever-increasing path of discovery and amazement through the Land of Suck. What follows are the updates I put for each day for Schumin Week.

My apologies for links to Ben's site not working, but it's just not worth tracking all of them down to fix them whenever he reogranizes things.

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Ben Schumin Week, Day 4Sep 14, 2000

Well this was supposed to be a blockbuster update today, because someone got me Ben Schumin's dorm room phone number, and I thought it'd be ultra-cool to interview him. However, what hadn't occurred to me (inexplicably) was that the Ben Schumin experience is essentially dull. We'd have to ask the Soil Scientist exactly what kind of dirt it was dull as, but I don't care on that level, because right now I need a nap.

The call starts like this:

SPINN: Hello, is Ben there.
BEN SCHUMIN: Yes, this is Ben.
S: Hi, Ben, this is Greg, I'm calling from SpinnWebe, an online magazine.
B: Ah, yes.
S: Some of my people have become enamored with your website, and I was wondering if you could answer some questions.
B: Yes.
S: First, I want to ask you about "audible silence". Have you found out what that is yet?
B: Ah...yes, a few people have sent me mail.
S: So do you plan to have an update?
B: ...Yes.
S: Okay, because I was wondering if you had noticed that your school is in the year 2096.
B: ...
S: The date of the display says 2096.
B: I did not notice that, let me see...[laughs] Why, so it is!
S: So. What's your major? I couldn't find it on the website.
B: Really? It's computer information systems.
S: What do you think makes a good website?
B: Oh, you know...it's...it's something that keeps you interested. It's a site that has material that you find interesting.

Etc., etc., etc. About the most interesting part was what wasn't there, which is who the hell am I and how the hell did I get his phone number.

There was this quote on one of his Canada trip pages:

Sarah and Norman commented that our money would be hard for Sarah to see, it being all green, and we thought that up to $2 being coins was neat.

TheEnigma read this and said: "Why would Sarah have a hard time seeing the color green? The one thing I want him to explain....AND THE ONE THING HE DOESN'T EXPLAIN!" So, this was in the question list. We figured it's because she has red-green color blindness, but what the hell.

SPINN: Why can't Sarah see money?
BEN SCHUMIN: [long pause] What do you mean?
S: On your site you said that Sarah would have a hard time seeing money.
B: [pause] Oh! Because she has limited vision, and she's partially color blind. Different types of American money would be hard for her to see. Their money is all tutti-frutti.
S: Oh, so she just can't see the color green.
B: That's right.
S: Oh, I thought maybe she had some kind of money blindness.
B: No.

And my "money blindness" quip there was about the biggest jump on my cardiogram, but he didn't catch it, apparently. After that it was, oh hell...I'll just summarize. His sister is weird for no real defined reason; his sister thinks he's weird for no real defined reason; he doesn't know how much traffic his site getting; he's the one who smashed his car in 97 and wasn't terribly interested in expounding on the subject of why he didn't mention that on his page; he thinks people either love him or hate him on Portal of Evil; he's still very proud of his PII 400; his sister's website is now http://kiss.to/okp, where she appears to have changed her last name to Valentine (wonder why); he likes Napster but made it very clear that he buys CDs that he samples; he offered to link to this interview after it's posted; and despite annoying scrolling text to the contrary, you can't see him careening out of control on his mini-scooter (unless you go to JMU and watch).

Man, that's it. I need a frickin coffee.

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