I entered a clinical drug trial earlier this for the express purpose that I would have some access to professional help while I tried the drug. About a week into it, I was a zombie. Not only did I not feel better, I actually became totally nonfunctional and close to suicidal so I begged them to release me from the trial.

The thing about it was, I thuoght I was depressed until I took the drug and realized just how much worse I could be. When I came off it, I finally opened up to myfriends and family about suffering from depression and that alone did wonders for me. I had been keeping it ‘underground’ for decades and no one ever knew. The stress and stigma I felt of ‘being broken’ added to my depression (like you mention) and letting go of that has done wonders for me.

While it’s a battle I continue to fight each day, I recover faster now and find ways to cope with the help of family and close friends.

It may sound trite to say “I feel your pain”, but in fact I do, and I respect you for being public about it.

Well, it’s like waking up with a pain in your knee, still. If I woke up with a pain in my knee, but then it still hurt for the next three weeks, I’d get someone to look at it. Me, I went to therapy, but I’m otherwise not a source of information for what to do about constant depression. You’d have to find a solution for yourself.

And really, my advice in my entry here, I don’t expect it to be a instant fix for anyone, it’s the kind of thing someone tells you but you have to learn to live it. It’s like “you’ll know better when your older” and probably just as satisfying. But maybe if you remember this when you’re going through it again, it might not help right away, but it might start seeping into your viewpoint.

I mean, when I wrote this entry, I felt like total, miserable crap, but without the internal feelings of guilt or failure or stigma, it was manageable. So in some inverse way, I was actually kinda happy in my depression. I guess the self-helpy way of putting it was “my depression no longer controlled me.” This is just my personal experience, so for all I know this might not directly apply to you. But keep it in mind and see if it eventually helps. Can’t be worse than it is now.

Completely unrelated, hooray for replying ten days after the fact!

I say, neuter that puppy!

(This is not intended as some mopey ‘oh, woe is me,’ attention getting suicide threat post. I’m not going to kill myself. Sorry to disappoint.)

JasonSdot

Another description for depression I’ve heard is “anger turned inwards”. So, yeah there are things I can do to improve my situation at work…this just isn’t the week to do it. So I’m not gonna beat myself up for not doing anything right now, I’ll worry about it when the clouds clear.