Goddamn I am depressed today.
Exhibit A: I’m telling you this.
Work is “teh sukc”, as the kids say. The whole week’s been a reminder of how little they regard me and how little they need me. There were times in my job here where I said “if I left, it’d be a real problem for them,” but not now. I’m pretty sure they’d barely notice, as far as work scheduling goes. I’m a problem solver by nature, and work’s just giving me nothing. And even my fallback position, “invent projects for myself and improve things on my own,” is getting nowhere, because each time I try to get something done I get resistance from other people, and I have no authority to actually tell people to do things. So I’m feeling pretty goddamn useless right about now.
So, blah, I’m now in a position where I’m wholly working for the money, which I used to say I wouldn’t do, but here I am. And the way I feel now, I have no interest or ability to try to explain to someone else (e.g., interviewer) why I’m worth hiring, so I’m pretty much stuck. And it’s dragging me down something awful.
But, aside from wallowing, I wanted to post about this because I’ve learned something over the years that may help others who got depression. When I mentioned it to my therapist, she took a note to pass it on to other people, so I figure maybe I thought up something good.
Anyway, it’s this: don’t let depression depress you. I used to feel bad about being depressed, or I’d figure there’s more going on that’s making me depressed that I don’t even know about and go looking for other things that could be wrong (and usually make things worse), or feel generally inferior for being depressed. Or I’d realize I wasn’t doing anything to improve my situation, and “if you’re so depressed, why don’t you do something to fix it?” but I’m just in no state to do so, but given I’m generally a troubleshooter I’d feel like a failure for not fixing my problem. Which would be additionally depressing.
But now, I mean—I really feel like shit. My limbs are weak, I don’t even feel like sitting up, I honestly wanna find a dark corner and curl up on the floor. But at the same time, I’m like, so the fuck what. It’s just a mood, it’ll pass. No, I’m not being productive about myself right now, but screw it, I’m just not in a mood to do it. Eventually, my core goofiness will kick back in and I’ll work something out and be fine, but for now, I just gotta accept it and ride it out.
At that point, depression gets relegated to the level of, say, you wake up and your knee really hurts. You limp around for the whole day, and it’s painful and annoying and makes everything you do more difficult, but eventually it’ll pass and you’ll be fine. That’s kind of how I approach my depression these days: I woke up with a hurt in my brain, but I know that in a couple days it’ll smooth out. Even when I’m in the depths of my grandest mope, coming to understand this has provided me some real perspective and comfort.
July 11th, 2007 13:37
You sound like me.
I ride out bouts of depression pretty much the same way you do — wait until the feeling passes.
I once heard depression described as, “anger without enthusiasm.” So you might also look around and notice if there’s anything you’re angry about.
In the meantime, go hunt down some good tea. Full-leaf jasmine is lovely stuff…
July 11th, 2007 13:38
Wow. Hang in there. Maybe this will help (MP3, ~7MB)
http://www.mediafire.com/?dh2msxbz9rb
July 11th, 2007 13:48
Oh I’m pretty clear what I’m angry about (see first two paragraphs). That’s kinda what I mean, I don’t have to go looking for problems anymore. Years past, I’d probably say, “well work sucks but I can do better than that, so what else could be depressing me?” And really that just colors your whole worldview at that point, I mean, trying to look at the rest of your life through a haze of self-pity is not a good idea.
Another description for depression I’ve heard is “anger turned inwards”. So, yeah there are things I can do to improve my situation at work…this just isn’t the week to do it. So I’m not gonna beat myself up for not doing anything right now, I’ll worry about it when the clouds clear.
July 11th, 2007 20:16
Thanks for this. It’s a new perspective I hadn’t considered before. Now to put it into practice -been in a pretty dark place for some few months now.
July 11th, 2007 20:18
ah shit I typoed my own name.
JasonSdot
July 12th, 2007 03:40
And what do you do if it doesn’t go away? A few months ago I was in a really good place, life wasn’t necessarily better, but I was ok with it. I wasn’t happy per say, but I wasn’t depressed anymore. Sadly that didn’t last and now I’m reverting back to my 12 year old violent/angry/suicidal thoughts type depression. Not fun.
(This is not intended as some mopey ‘oh, woe is me,’ attention getting suicide threat post. I’m not going to kill myself. Sorry to disappoint.)
July 12th, 2007 17:40
I’ve actually gotten some medication for occasional bouts of depression, but no chemicals are going to substitute for having a job and goals and such. At least I managed to direct that anger outward for a while. Yet I’m always aware that anger at an absent person is always just anger as an aspect of myself.
July 12th, 2007 18:19
Winston Churchill called his depression the Black Dog.
I say, neuter that puppy!
July 21st, 2007 23:19
I know what you mean, Mikki; I’ve had depression off and on (mostly on) for over a decade. Sometimes it’s not just a temporary frame of mind, and really is a biological problem. So I hate to say, sometimes medication actually can be a viable solution.
Completely unrelated, hooray for replying ten days after the fact!
July 23rd, 2007 16:11
Mikki:
Well, it’s like waking up with a pain in your knee, still. If I woke up with a pain in my knee, but then it still hurt for the next three weeks, I’d get someone to look at it. Me, I went to therapy, but I’m otherwise not a source of information for what to do about constant depression. You’d have to find a solution for yourself.
And really, my advice in my entry here, I don’t expect it to be a instant fix for anyone, it’s the kind of thing someone tells you but you have to learn to live it. It’s like “you’ll know better when your older” and probably just as satisfying. But maybe if you remember this when you’re going through it again, it might not help right away, but it might start seeping into your viewpoint.
I mean, when I wrote this entry, I felt like total, miserable crap, but without the internal feelings of guilt or failure or stigma, it was manageable. So in some inverse way, I was actually kinda happy in my depression. I guess the self-helpy way of putting it was “my depression no longer controlled me.” This is just my personal experience, so for all I know this might not directly apply to you. But keep it in mind and see if it eventually helps. Can’t be worse than it is now.
July 26th, 2007 12:33
At least you have access to a therapist spinn, consider yourself lucky there. I’ve suffered for three decades or more and cannot afford therapy.
I entered a clinical drug trial earlier this for the express purpose that I would have some access to professional help while I tried the drug. About a week into it, I was a zombie. Not only did I not feel better, I actually became totally nonfunctional and close to suicidal so I begged them to release me from the trial.
The thing about it was, I thuoght I was depressed until I took the drug and realized just how much worse I could be. When I came off it, I finally opened up to myfriends and family about suffering from depression and that alone did wonders for me. I had been keeping it ‘underground’ for decades and no one ever knew. The stress and stigma I felt of ‘being broken’ added to my depression (like you mention) and letting go of that has done wonders for me.
While it’s a battle I continue to fight each day, I recover faster now and find ways to cope with the help of family and close friends.
It may sound trite to say “I feel your pain”, but in fact I do, and I respect you for being public about it.
January 5th, 2008 20:10
Nice Blog. I have been looking for blogs and such that I can relate to. I invite you to come to my blog and join me in my delightful spiral into death depression and nothing.
Thanks for your time. Remain happy ?