Crooks and Liars has a recurring bit called Mike’s Blog Roundup, with quick links to various blogs in which Mike was interested, presumably. That itself has an occasionally recurring bit called HOLY CRAP, an even quicker list of links to various things about religion or by religious people, generally with the point of showing how fucked up they are. I am always fascinated by this and usually wind up with 20+ tabs in my browser when it’s over, following the long and winding branches of the astonishing human ability to happily hold entirely opposite views in its head and passionately defend each of them, in the same sentence if necessary.

It was through today’s Holy Crap that I came to read Beware of copying the Left by Bruce W. Green, founding dean of the Liberty University School of Law. In style, it reads like it’s written by a pastor. In content, it reads like it’s written by a drunk bully on a corner yelling at “the fags”, but with a better proofreader. Shorter Green: We can’t torture, because torturing would only play into the hands of liberals. So torture is evil and wrong — but torture anyway.

That burnt hair smell you’re getting is because of the sparks my brain is throwing off trying to understand that summary enough to make my point. Seriously, I can feel the mental resistance in typing it. Due to some internal hangups I have about looking foolish in public, I constantly re-evaluate any logic statements I make for correctness, lest someone point out some obvious flaw in my argument. Part of my brain refuses to sign off on my summary of his article, as it simply seems impossible to me that someone can put that forth as a logical argument. But it’s really what he’s saying.

It is in discovering this article in which I have decided I shall Fisk! Or write a fisk or enfisk the article or engage my fisk on the information superhighway, whatever the kids’ slang might by these days. I didn’t have the strength to do the whole article, though. Accept that he basically starts with the premise that being on the Left is not a political philosophy, so much as a cluster of malformed nerve cells at the top of the spinal column firing wildly in self-preservation in predictable reaction to certain stimuli.

Ah, actually, let me do some of that anyway. This first part just fires me up too much not to show it to you.

The Left—modern liberalism or socialism—is not a philosophy. It is merely the action implicit in the philosophy of utilitarianism. Utilitarianism is the view that the rightness of an act is determined by its results—and, liberalism/socialism slowly emerges from a pragmatic utilitarian philosophy of life.
…
So, the Left, in adopting liberal and socialistic policies, does nothing more than act consistently with its foundational worldview—the rightness of action is determined by whether the results desired are in fact achieved by the action.

They’re the filthiest sort of mindless baboons for whom the ends justify the means. Obviously they’re just the kind of pricks who would torture. So torturing plays right into their hands. [zzt fzzt]

But, if liberalism is merely the action implicit in the philosophy of utilitarianism, how then do we explain the Left’s apparent opposition to torture techniques? The answer may likely rest in their redefinition of the term and political motives, but, whatever the reason, rest assured that in this matter a liberal is simply a torturer without sufficient motivation and opportunity.

Hell, I don’t know what liberals think. Who can? Might as well try to figure out the motivations of a redwood or a block of cheese. But I mean just look at ‘em, they just want to torture things, you can tell.

Just rest assured. Ressssst asssurrrrred. There. Logic done! Man, I’ve totally kicked ass on this writing assignment. There’s nearly no reason to continue further with my unassailable argument, but to be fair, they’re paying me for a full column, so I might as well pad a bit. But really, I mean…that “rest assured” pretty much locked it up.

A Hollywood liberal, pontificating on the red carpet, or a quasi-socialist, elitist politician on the Washington, DC, cocktail circuit, easily rails against the evils of “torture”. But, convince either of them that their own neighborhood will be annihilated in an hour by a nuclear blast unless the government acquires intelligence from a captured terrorist, and they will push each other aside getting in line to torture the poor soul into mindless mush. Why? Because deep in the recesses of their hearts and minds they believe the rightness of their actions is determined by the results of their acts.

In inventing a zero-dimensional character of the pontificating Hollywood liberal, I shall emply the full power of the Hollywood writer creating the zero-dimensional character. My omniscient awareness of the reactions of these flat sterotypes I just now made up is in no way intended to be a reflection of anything I would ever think, because the Left is Bad.

Hey, did you catch the neat trick I pulled here were there’s going to be a nuclear attack, but it’s the Hollywood Liberal who’s the bad guy in this paragraph? He’s lining up to “torture the poor soul into mindless mush”? Just wait until two paragraphs from now where the “poor soul” becomes the “murderer” who we have to “harshly interrogate” for America. I got a Klein bottle full of this shit in my head and I am not afraid to use it.

The modern conservative who believes and champions the idea that the rightness of an act depends upon its desired results has already abandoned principle and truth, and become a member of the Left, by another name—whether he or she is aware of it or not. To act and think like a member of the Left is to be already a member of the Left, even if one is under the impression they oppose it.

If you disagree with me, are you really conservative, or are you really on the Left? THOUGHTCRIME!

I do not profess to know all the interrogation tactics employed by the American government, nor do I know which, if any, of those tactics constitute torture.

Oh, by the way, I have no idea what I’m talking about. That omniscience potion I took this morning before I wrote this told me the secret truth in the heart of all liberals, but I guess it forgot to pick up any national newspaper in the last six months. But in the omniscience potion’s defense, there are only two types of liberals, Hollywood Red Carpet Guy and Elitist Cocktail Circuit Politician Guy, so I suppose that first one was an easy get.

And, I am aware that the events of September 11, 2001, and subsequent events, have required a reassessment of the tactics of modern warfare.

looks thoughtfully back to the Torture selection on the Today’s Specials menu…mmmm…

Nonetheless, there remains the reality that certain acts against human beings are by their very nature objectively evil, and if we adopt those acts as means to an end — even a good end -— we have already lost our souls, and we have contributed to triumph of the utilitarian Left.

No! Shouldn’t have the Torture…too many calories and you’ll just be working it off forever. Don’t want to be like those liberals at the next table, God they just love Torture, look at them just digging into big heaping plates full of Torture and waving it around under my nose and trying to cram it down my throat. I shouldn’t come to this restaurant any more, I keep running into these filthy, craven liberal animals that spring forth, fully formed, from my imagination.

And, let’s not kid ourselves. The more humane and moral our American history has been in the past, the more likely we are to unintentionally succumb to the belief that we do not err by treating cruelly those known to have taken innocent life.

[Did I save the right file here? This seemed to make sense for a minute --spinn]

Because, after all, “torture” is what evil terrorists do, and what evil countries do. It is not what America does. What America does is to protect the innocent. If, in order to protect the innocent, we must “harshly interrogate” a murderer, then so be it. Because, after all, people who are tortured are “victims”, and everyone knows that a murderer is not a victim.

I’m glad I finally got an opportunity to put in a public forum my point of view that, because someone is guilty of one crime, we are free and clear to commit any of our own crimes against him. Hell, you can really tell I’m a lawyer, huh? I got this shit down. It also means I can finally share the secret joy in my hobby of sticking my switchblade in the tires of any car that’s parked at an expired meter.

Good thing this omniscience potion also tells me who the “murderers” are and who the “victims” are. And being able to “torture” some people and “harshly interrogate” other people is a pleasantly unexpected side-effect. This thing was a steal! Glad I traded the cow for the omniscience potion instead of the five beans like that other loser. That other loser who was likely a liberal. Or a conservative who is really subconsciously secretly a liberal…I mean really either way, he’s probably a murderer.

I am concerned for America these days, and not just because we face threats from external forces bent on our destruction. I am most concerned that we -— the Left and the Right — have drifted from the path of principle and truth and lost our way in the resulting fog.

Whew! Almost forgot that faint whiff of balance at the end there. I think it looks properly like I’m saying the Right could be at fault, but not really, but just enough to protect myself from criticism. Um…I hope it’s not too much? People won’t start thinking I’m secretly on the Left even though I don’t know it?

Eh, nah, their omniscience potions will kick in and clear it up.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm and is filed under Harsh logic techniques, Humor, Political Blather. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.