I appreciate the concern and appreciation of those of you who had written things here. Thanks. I’ve spent a fair amount of time in the last few months thinking about…oh, the point of it all, I guess. Creatively I think I’ve historically been driven by a need to be heard, to be appreciated, and to get an audience; but I’m coming around to the question, do I really need to? And I’m kinda thinking no. Which for me, in terms of the typical turmoil in my head, is a good thing, because the turmoil’s been pretty calm lately, and I’m thinking of my life less as stresses I create to force myself in certain directions, and more as taking myself in directions because I feel like it.

So I really feel like I let myself down, as far as SpinnWebe is concerned — for a while I had a pretty good audience, and if I had more tenacity I probably could’ve held on to it. So when I think about A1AAA or AV1D or any other number of projects I half-started or barely started or didn’t start, it generally makes me feel guilty, but I still don’t get it done. So I’m trying to shift to not feeling guilty about it anymore. Kinda sucks for those of you who want to see those things happen, but really this is a major step towards happiness for me.

Though having said that, I drew about five Scribs tonight so I can try to get that last arc finished, at least. And I’ve been thinking more frequently about getting back to the podcast, though I’m requiring myself to think of a way to make it actually interesting first. But I’m letting that come to me on its own terms, no pressure.

And the memory. Always the memory. I’d like to write more but my brain can’t support it. I was in a mood to write a week ago, but as I’m walking from the bathroom to the kitchen, five different ideas fly through my head, with no warning or notice and no tracks left in their passing. Maybe I have to learn how to write things down quickly in outline or something…but by the time I think of that it’s probably too late.

So, Scribs, yeah. I need to get something together that creates an interactive audience. I hoped Scribs would do that, but it didn’t, at least not at the level of effort I’m willing to sustain. I think i have more chance with that with a podcast, but my first attempt had a fairly predictable downward spiral into navel gazing. But the benefit of talking my thoughts is that I can nearly talk at the speed of my thoughts, so there’s a more fulfilling feeling that what you hear is roughly what’s actually happening in my head. I think I had to do ten right next to each other to get out a lot of daily this-n-that that clogs up my skull. Either I’m taking a rest and I’ll do more of that, or I’m taking a rest and I’ll work out a more interesting format, or I’m taking a rest and won’t do a goddamn thing. Not sure yet.

In any case the point is, Scribs is done for now, again. Except for this last arc I have to finish and put up. But I’m going to let the domain name expire at the end of the month and move the archive to SpinnWebe. Not even sure if the templates will work properly in that context; hopefully the archive will still be available without needing too much work.

For years and years I’ve had this idea of a comic set up in a grid format, such that you can start from the top left, and go either right or down from each panel, with the strip still making sense in whichever order you choose. I never really took a shot at it because my thought process generally went:

1) hey, that grid idea
2) whoo, tough
3) lunch

But I decided “hey, let’s stop assuming things are too hard to do before I even try them,” and then I tried it, and I came up with three of them. The first one’s okay; it was my first shot, and nothing special. But I like the next two. I have a bit of an advantage that Scribs are a bit non-sequiturish anyway, but that’s fine, I think they’re still neat.

Anyway, Schrödinger’s Cat is back. If you find that a bit interesting or not at all, there it is. If you find that a lot interesting, then there’s something extra there for you.

http://www.spinnwebe.com/ustream/

http://www.spinnwebe.com/ustream/

Rob Balder (erfworld): Man is he into his topic. Has a lot to say about art, story, audience, philosophy, combat, game theory, and the Dark Knight movie. I think this guy could possibly out-talk my father. I could’ve tested that theory but I finally decided to release him from the trap of my being willing to listen to him.*

David Malki (wondermark): To his credit, tolerated me.

Kris Straub (starslip): Whooo did not. I tried not to let this cow me for the rest of the show but unfortunately I let it set a cloud over my head.

Ryan Sohmer (least I could do): I recognized his comic and shook his hand and got out of there before awkward pauses.

Joel Watson (hijinks ensue): Didn’t know the comic beforehand, but I saw this shirt the day before, and the memory of it kept making me giggle after I went home, so I decided it was too goddamn awesome to leave behind. Talked to him for a little while and continued about 15 seconds after I started making it weird, and then had the good sense to get out of there.

Shannon Saar (wighthouse): draws a ghost comic which may, someday, contain a ghost.

Chris Hallbeck (the book of biff): Cheerful, friendly! Bought a book. Could only afford one, and I decided to ask, which should I buy if I were getting one? Wasn’t sure if that was going to be awkward (like why do people ask waitresses, “what is good?”), but he pointed right to one and I grabbed it.

Zach Weiner (SMBC): Fuckin’ awesome! Man he was cheerful and friendly and excited and I felt comfortable being an idiot in front of him and he high-fived me and drew me a sketch of a brain in a jar wearing a top hat. Really wish I could’ve spent time with him, we would’ve had fun. He was with the Cyanide and Happiness booth, but I didn’t feel right going over there because I haven’t read enough of it.

David Willis (shortpacked): Was also friendly. I miscalculated by trying to get him to make a cynical comment about the guy in the next booth over, but he was too polite to partake. On sunday I noticed the shirt he was selling (no direct link to the shirt, it’s the green one lower left), and experience with the previous shirt told me I would wind up giggling at it that night when I got home, so decided I’d better buy it.

*Did this come across as snarky? I don’t mean it that way. It’s just that he’s really willing to talk and I’m an attentive listener.

NOT PICTURED:

Jeph Jacques (unquestionable thingy): spent as much time managing his sketch-selling line as thinking about storming up and saying christ man what’s so wrong with Scribs that you don’t wanna take my money for ads.

KC Green (gunshow ‘n stuff): oh I saw him, he looked fun, but I didn’t really have anything useful to say to him and he was too close to the (entirely internal and not really Malki’s fault) Malki Tolerance Zone to be comfortable enough to go all “hey man, like your work” on him. Though right now I’m wishing I had told him how excellent Ghost Ship was, but eh I’m sure he was hearing that all weekend anyway.

Not sure what I was thinking. I signed up four months ago when I was getting Scribs into swing and had some fanciful notion that I was going to get more involved in the comics community, but now I pretty much don’t care.

Saying I had “plans” for Scribs is likely an overstatement. Probably more accurate to say that I had a certain mindset this time around that I thought was healthier. When I first started getting serious about Scribs four years ago, I sort of assumed that I’d just naturally get popular and such by virtue of making a funny comic and letting the fame pour in. I got frustrated with waiting for the inevitable rush of traffic, so I gave up on it. And then in the intervening time, I saw other comics that started around the same time get wildly popular, and then the frustration and the envy and the glaven.

But last year my more selfish mindset relaxed somewhat, and I decided to start up the comic again, but this time, I’d do it right — instead of thinking I’d let the world beat down my door due to my inherent assumed fabulousness, I decided to make an effort in getting involved in the community, get on some message boards, try to make a connection with some actual people. 

And that’s how I wound up signing up to volunteer for c2e2. Actually at first I thought about getting a booth, but 1) too damn expensive, and 2) nothing to sell. The way I pictured it, it was likely going to be less sales booth than performance art. 

But, dunno. Might have been fun, but in the intervening time my attempts to interface with the human-units went less than well. Tried getting on message boards, but ech, made some shitty entrances and tried to just bluster through, but my tolerance ran out. Tried Twitter, but ran out of interest for that and now my spinnwebe account is just retweeting my scribscomic account, which I’m sure is not going to get it much attention. 

And it’s not even about the comic, really. I was kinda hoping to get myself into a community with some cool people. Though even there I guess I’m failing, because what I really kinda want is a nearby group of people. One, I already know a cool group of people online, and two, getting involved with comic artists online is not really the correct target anyway. I’d like to know what it’s like to have friends that I would pick up a phone and call, you know? Or having a reason to have a phone other than my college to leave messages to try to get money from me. But on the other hand, I’ve seen get-togethers with some comics people and they generally look nerdier than I can deal with.

So, I dunno. Every time I think of c2e2 now, I just find it kind of depressing. I don’t much feel like being around people right now, especially seeing people that are living the kind of life I could be living if I’d properly applied myself.